How Men Benefit from Psychotherapy

Although gender equality is on the rise, men are still reared and socialized differently than women. Women are nurtured to have and express feelings. Conventionally, men were raised that expression or acknowledgement of feelings is a feminine characteristic and therefore for men to have an emotional experience can be stigmatizing.

Emotional freedom considers the exploration of our relationship to our feelings. Although some may not be aware of having feelings, the fact that we all have feelings is undeniable, whether we are aware of them or not. So, what’s so bad about being unaware of feelings? Many believe that if you aren’t aware of something it somehow ceases to exist. However, the contrary is true: Truth is true, whether we believe it (or are aware of it) or not. Emotional experiences affect our thoughts, perceptions, physical sensations, mood, attitudes, self-esteem, life outlook and so much more.

When we isolate from our emotional experiences, we fail to recognize these above influences and subsequently become victim to them. We feel sick and self-medicate. We fall victim to our mood swings. We become distrustful of ourselves when we notice how much our thoughts, attitudes and perceptions change seemingly out of the blue.

Gaining intuition into our feeling states allows us to have more intuition into our motives, needs, and premonitions. We can allow our feelings to help guide our decisions that result in well-being and fulfillment, rather than hinder our path with indecisiveness and self-doubt.

These soft skills are not just extraneous variables in our fulfillment quotient; they are hard-wired tools that we would all benefit to sharpen. Men are at more of a disadvantage here because, other than anger/aggression, there are not many socially supported outlets for men to explore and express feelings.

Psychotherapy and life coaching provide safe places where men are supported and encouraged to listen to themselves and discover the subconscious emotional experience that can inform and transform our lives.

Traveling Towards Vulnerability

“Vulnerability awakens our senses. When we feel vulnerable, we tend to pay attention more. This feeling forces us to never go on autopilot. It opens our hearts to what is.”  -Elizabeth Aspen

As children, our identity and self-esteem are formed in response to our relationships with those we are close (or close by) to, our material resources (food and housing), and our environment.  As an adult, if we continue to rely only on those things, we find that our self-confidence and esteem seem transient.

If self-confidence is a variable instead of fixed, then we can experience diminishing self-worth after suffering events such as loss, life transitions, or significant disappointments.  Contrary to the de-valuation we feel, these experiences do not constitute who we actually are.  It constitutes our self-perceptions.  How we think and feel about who we really are.

This is one of the reasons I wanted to travel alone to a foreign country.  I wanted to see who I would be?  How would I define myself when no one knows who I am?  I have no career, reputation, or shared interests to stand upon when interacting with people.  Not even social graces, such as being a witty conversationalist could vouch for me being in a place where I am not fluent in the language.

In daily interactions, we are so set-back, disappointed, sometimes defeated when we make mistakes or our weakness are revealed.  Consistent with this experience, my first response to being exposed as a non-Spanish speaker was wishing to become invisible.  I felt ashamed.  Who would want to help me, take the time to try to understand me, never mind like me, if I couldn’t speak the language?  After a few hours of trying to avoid any interaction where I would be forced to speak Spanish by not: ordering food, getting lost, or making eye contact, I quickly realized the futility of the effort and took on the challenge of finding creative ways to express myself with what small bits of the language I did know.

I soon discovered that making a mistake or revealing that I didn’t understand what was being said (even though I was nodding my head and “si” -ing along at all the appropriate conjectures), didn’t make me inadequate or even ignorant.  Surprisingly, what I found in response to my Spanglish was a response of compassion.  People generally wanted to help create understanding.  Not just for me, but for them too.  It’s as if we were playing one of those games where you try to figure out what your partner is trying to convey without being able to actually just say it.

Now, when I meet seemingly fluent bi-lingual speakers (such as those working in the airport), would ask “Hablas Espanol?” ( do you speak Spanish?)  Rather than shuddering at the opportunity for a weakness to be revealed,  I would answer in the standard “un poquito”  ( a little) and then ask them in Spanish if they spoke English.  To my surprise, many answered “a little” or “I am learning”.  We then had a new place to connect a shared interest a common experience.

The lesson learned is that life is not about getting it right or showing how good we are at ____( fill in the blank).  It’s about connecting through relationships.  Second, we cannot connect or learn through relationships without making ourselves vulnerable.   Last, it’s important to recognize how we limit our experiences of vulnerability when we stay within the confines of our comfort zone.

This doesn’t mean you have to book your ticket to Malawi tomorrow.  You can travel outside of your comfort zone every day:

Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger

Go to a bar and DON’T have a drink

Eat at your favorite restaurant alone

Try something you’ve never done and try it in front of others

Eye gaze (check out my friend Jeffrey’s activities and blog: http://www.jeffreyplatts.com/other-things-i-do/eyegazingparties/)

Go somewhere where you will be a minority

Ask for help

Risk failure

Admit when you don’t know something

Approach” not-knowing”  as an exciting opportunity to learn something new

Take a full breath before responding to a question

Listen more and talk less

*Listen to Brene Brown talk about vulnerability:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

5 Ways to Overcome Unexpected Change

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” –Alexander Graham Bell

Sometimes life unexpectedly throws a new obstacle in our path.  Often it’s a loss – a job, relationship or even an opportunity that falls through.  During these times, it can be difficult to maintain happiness and stay on path.

If you’re dealing with an unexpected change in your life, here are 5 strategies to consider:

1. Allow yourself to mourn the loss.  Change, especially when it was unexpected, can be difficult for anyone to manage.  It’s important to allow yourself time to grieve your loss.  Don’t let yourself be pressured into hiding or denying your feelings.  It’s important to process the loss in your own time so that you can heal and acknowledge any lessons you may have learned.
2. Look for meaning.  Reframe the recent change in a way that allows you to see the positive along with the negative.  Maybe losing your job will open you up to the possibility of following your dreams.  Maybe the loss of a friendship will allow you to be more available for healthier friendships down the road.
3. Do something fun.  It might be helpful to temporarily distract yourself with an enjoyable activity.  This is different for everyone – read a book, go for a jog, see a matinee, start a new hobby.  Just be careful to not to overindulge or fill your time with something that’s going to make you feel worse in the long run.
4. Connect with friends and family.  It’s important not to isolate during difficult times – especially times of change.  Strong relationships provide support and help ease the transition.  So make plans and stick to them.  Keep busy with friends and family.  Ask for help when you need it and offer your help to others.
5. Make a decision to face forward.  Now that you’ve mourned the loss and processed the change, make a conscious decision to stop lingering at the closed door waiting for it to reopen.  Instead, face forward with courage and be open to new opportunities.  New opportunities bring new joy – embrace the challenge before you.

The holidays are in your hands -Coping with the holiday blues

You may think you are the only person who isn’t gleeful about the upcoming holidays.  However, for many (and for most adults) the holidays are accompanied with an understandable amount of dread.  We are around people, who push our buttons or that we don’t  enjoy spending time with.  For some people it’s the feeling of loneliness and lacking the relationships we think we ought to have. 

If any of these are your experience you are not alone.  Here are some tips to help transform your holiday experience:

1. Recognize that you are not alone and stop comparing yourself to people you think have the perfect family or “love the holidays!”  Unless you are a child awaiting toys on Christmas this is often not the case.
2. Don’t let guilt about spending time with others lead you to over-commit.  Being thankful also means being present to enjoy your life.  So, in addition to doing things for others, make sure to continue to do things for yourself. Maybe you will treat yourself to something special. 
3. Connect with the people that you are close with instead of fantasizing about the relationships with people who you are separated from.
4. Do something active take a walk, exercise, go to a yoga class
5. Treat yourself well (and I don’t mean by allowing yourself to eat until you have to put elastic on your pants).   I mean pamper yourself, take a day off work, treat yourself to a movie for example
6. Open your mouth.  It never ceases to amaze me how helpful it is to simply share with people what’s going on with you.  More often than not, people appreciate opportunities to be there for others and it often creates a reciprocal benefit by opening the door for someone else to share what’s going on with them.
7. Get rest and adequate sleep.
8. Get into the light.  Pathologize it if you like, (seasonal affective disorder), but just getting some sunlight just does the body good!
9. Ask for help whether it be personal or professional
10. LAUGH whether it’s for a reason or for none at all.  Just do it.  Laughing is therapeutic.

Coffee Talk -How does caffeine effect us

Anxiety is the most common issue that brings people into therapy.    Many of those experiencing anxiety also note that they consume at least 1 cup of coffee/caffeinated beverage a day.  When asked if they think that the amount of caffeine they consume influences their anxiety levels, often people report that the caffeine has little to no impact on their anxiety or sleep.

Caffeine is a stimulant which means that it creates a physiological response in the body that includes increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, elevated mood, suppressed appetite, and increased body temperature. 

The positive effects of stimulants are also used in common weight-loss drugs and attention enhancing drugs like Ephedra and  Ritalin (or now more commonly used, Adderall).  That’s why those that use these drugs enjoy secondary benefits.  For example, those that take Ephedra for weight loss also notice that it helps them be more focused and feel improved mood.  It’s also why people who do not actually have ADD/ADHD receive a benefit from the stimulants like Adderall, which is why its use is so common as a recreational drug.

The downside is that often when we consume caffeine on a daily basis, the impact on our bodies is masked.  I’ve talked to people who have weaned themselves off or have stopped drinking caffeine, and notice an immediate impact on their sleep.  Even if you have built up a tolerance to caffeine, at some point in time, your sleep cycle was influenced.  Many times, this lends to having difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep.  After we’ve had a poor night of sleep, we need to have caffeine the next day in order to feel like we can function or compensate from the lack of sleep from the night before.  What we may not realize is that we are simultaneously disrupting our body’s natural sleep-wake cycle.   We are building up the amount of a stimulating substance in our bodies which can contribute to dependence and withdrawal.

Often these symptoms go unrecognized as results of caffeine dependence and we get concerned about our mental or physical health:  We feel irritable, anxious, can’t sleep, can’t concentrate and get frequent headaches. 

Maybe you don’t believe that it’s coffee alone that has an impact on your system.   Consider then the influence that sleep alone has on how you feel.   Sleep deprivation results in irritability, poor concentration, depressed mood, and of course being emotionally, physically and mentally tired.

So, don’t let me be the judge.  Try it for yourself by simply paying attention to what you notice in your mind and body when you drink caffeine, or if you drink regularly, how it feels when you don’t.   Let me know how it goes!